Dawnbluewings and I broke up on Tuesday (the 9th) night. I pushed her away one too many times, with valid reasoning, but it was still stupid. Basically, I'm afraid that if I do anything stupid, can't control myself anymore and end up hospitalised, dead, whatever BAD, that it will bring her down, too, because of the tremendous emotional attachment.

She, quite rightfully, couldn't take my pushing her away like that anymore, and so our relationship has changed.

We've decided that we're considering it on hold, rather than over, because we both still love each other, but for now we're just friends.

I've been quite distraught, and verging on suicidal (I really just kind of wanted to stab a box cutter into my wrist the other night), and generally very depressed, since January. Also when I was in Japan, but whatever. It goes up and down, and when I'm down I tend to do the stupid thing and push people away more.

Hopefully, though, things are getting better. I had dance yesterday, and feel better than I've felt this year (except for maybe at Spocon, with the sewing, but that's a different kind of better). I'm trying to be good and not push people away, I'm exercising again, I have classes (zomg 18 units is going to kill me...) to keep me busy, and I'm going to (hopefully) start seeing the school counselour again. Which isn't great, but generally is better than nothing. And keep taking my happy pills. Because they're important to my general mental health.

Anyhow, I need to go back to sleep now, because I'm kind of severely deprived, and sleep deprivation makes the depression worse.

I haven't been around much because I've been staying with my girlfriend, and therefore not needing quite so direly to live on the internets.

I'll be around more frequently soon, I expect, as I get back to school in two weeks. In the interim, I doubt I'll be online except for to check my email from school and my mother, seeing as they're the important ones right now (not to mention the only emails I receive...).

Summer has been pretty good, much better than it could have been, all things told. More about that later, because I need to go eat breakfast and sew like a mad thing. I'll put pictures up later. Also, Dawnbluewings will be starting a new account specifically for the work we've been doing, which I expect the two of us will share. I'll post when it's set up, and you should all go check it out and commission things.

California has lifted the ban on gay marriage! On Thursday, apparently. I didn't find out even that it was a topic up for debate (aside from in the we are liberals the state is so cruel to us blahblahblah) until Friday.

This is because my friend the NilTwin told me at dinner when I kidnapped him.

He didn't know until he read it on a BRITISH blog. And he's much more up on these things than I am.

WTF. How could I not know about this awesomeness?!

That said, I now have to RUN ABOUT DANCING AND BOUNCING AND SQUEEING AND SHRIEKING LIKE A MAD THING BECAUSE IT IS SO MUCH WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!




In other news, my mom hung up on me when I tried to talk to her about plans for the summer. So I now officially should* have a ticket. For when I want to go, not when my mother wants me to go. Meaning I'm being assertive, which is a good thing. *tries to stop being a doormat*

But yes, I'm going up to my love's house on the 10th of June! 'Tis quite happy. ^.^

* The internets were being stupid last night, and I haven't got a confirmation email yet, so I'm not sure.

Okay, so I had my review for my beginning drawing class today. Lay out all the drawings on the tables, go over them with the Arie (our professor), talk about how you did, get a grade, talk with him in general, sort of verbal self-evaluation, all that happy stuff.

HE TOLD ME I SHOULD BE IN ART SCHOOL.

WOW.

*is amazed*

WTF?!

Just......ART SCHOOL. That's...kind of amazingly high praise for somebody who would never draw unless she had to because she was so terrible (not to mention afraid).

I....*faints from amazement at it all*

I never thought of myself as creative, certainly not in the past several years. I've avoided art like the plague, and only took it because a fine art is required to graduate here and they don't have any dance classes (where I can be told exactly what to do, do it, and go on).

I wanted to be an architect when I was little: read technical math stuff. And I liked playing with clay.

But I've NEVER been happy with my artwork before.

And now I am.

Well, sort of. At least I'm not throwing it out in shame?

BUT ART SCHOOL. H C*H@N#:!#JH BP(!B){H!B({!!!!BLKB!IB!OUBFN!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody pinch me. Please?

So, giggly meme-thing. I has stolen it from Drae, but it's from here: [link]

1. Do you think NilAthelion is a virgin?
I know exactly what Nil has and hasn't done, but I'll protect his privacy. Here, at least. Poor lad.

2. What do you think of dawnbluewings?
She is the most amazing woman I have ever met in many ways, and I love her to the ends of the earth. She's talented, loving, kind, funny, smart, all those wonderful things. Mostly, though, she's exactly whom I want and need, and I hope I can be the same for her. Basically I think she's awesome.

3. In a race between you, Lis4theway and Biblio, who would win?
Probably Biblio, given her long legs, Lis's present poor healthness, and my knees.

4. How did you meet draegyn-eyed?
Meet? We haven't. We know each other through dawnbluewings via DA.

5. Would you marry Lis4theway?
Nope. Love you, dear, but no.

6. What would dawnbluewings not be caught dead in?
Normal clothes.

7. What's NilAthelion's opinion on cheese?
I'm not sure? I expect he likes it. I can't recall at the moment.

8. What song could be lily-kiernan's theme song?
I've no idea. I know neither her nor music well enough.

9. Can lily-kiernan be bad influence?
Yes, I expect so.

10. Name something you have in common with lily-kiernan?
Aurora.