Dawnbluewings and I broke up on Tuesday (the 9th) night. I pushed her away one too many times, with valid reasoning, but it was still stupid. Basically, I'm afraid that if I do anything stupid, can't control myself anymore and end up hospitalised, dead, whatever BAD, that it will bring her down, too, because of the tremendous emotional attachment.

She, quite rightfully, couldn't take my pushing her away like that anymore, and so our relationship has changed.

We've decided that we're considering it on hold, rather than over, because we both still love each other, but for now we're just friends.

I've been quite distraught, and verging on suicidal (I really just kind of wanted to stab a box cutter into my wrist the other night), and generally very depressed, since January. Also when I was in Japan, but whatever. It goes up and down, and when I'm down I tend to do the stupid thing and push people away more.

Hopefully, though, things are getting better. I had dance yesterday, and feel better than I've felt this year (except for maybe at Spocon, with the sewing, but that's a different kind of better). I'm trying to be good and not push people away, I'm exercising again, I have classes (zomg 18 units is going to kill me...) to keep me busy, and I'm going to (hopefully) start seeing the school counselour again. Which isn't great, but generally is better than nothing. And keep taking my happy pills. Because they're important to my general mental health.

Anyhow, I need to go back to sleep now, because I'm kind of severely deprived, and sleep deprivation makes the depression worse.